Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.