Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.