Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is so top tier i cant

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

😂🍻

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.