Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Watson was Holmes schooled
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???