wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
You Might Also Like
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have