Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals