Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat