Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*serious situation*
My brain:
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*