Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog