Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you