Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore