Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
You Might Also Like
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
@ candidates for local office
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Risking my life for fun.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother