Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

Carpe DM

⚠️ Important Reminder:

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.