Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

At ease

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.