Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

This is my favorite one of these!

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.