Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

What happened to the other hiker??!

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.