wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
starting a garage orchestra
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”