wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
You Might Also Like
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Can’t, holding a grudge
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food