Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

it must be school picture day

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth