wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My patience has stretch marks.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.