wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.