Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.