WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Me trying to look natural in photos
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
HOW DARE YOU
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
🎵 I can’t wait to
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.