Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls