Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

this could fix me

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”