Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband