Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.