Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I know this now 😂
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.