Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?