Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫