Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me driving through Toronto
This one, by a wide margin
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*