Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
this came to me in a vision
Fiction has to make sense.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.