Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Growing out my freckles.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
what does he know…
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
The dark side of Canada
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
cyclists
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero