Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
This is my bus stop.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.