Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.