Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Carpe DM
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing