Wikigenius
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Oh my god
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
