Wikigenius
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
me to God
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
FRED: right
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh