Wikigenius
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.