Wikigenius
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
🤣🤣🤣
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8