Wikigenius
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*