You Might Also Like
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?