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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
How I like cutting carbs
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??