Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy