Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*ernest hemingway voice*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”