Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

monday

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

*skinny dips into black hole

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific