Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.