Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”