Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room