Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
All right then, keep your secrets
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.