Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My god she’s good.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT