Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

My dog ate my work from home.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*