Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys