Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Attacked by a mop.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby