wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
serving silly goose instead of turkey
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse