wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”