Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

When I retire I’m going to run from office.