Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Many hands make light work

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets