Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

i want enemies

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD