[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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He refuses to bathe without the Melon
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.