[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.