[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
You Might Also Like
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.