[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
yes… yes…
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*