Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

synchronized noseblowing

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet