Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.