Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

shut up and take my money

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

never forget

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.