wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
everyone has that one prude friend
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Good morning.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
