wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt