Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit