Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

It do be feeling this way.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”