Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.