Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That time Alicia messaged me

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

how to have an accident 101

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

Always…

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.