Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?