Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.