Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

😭😭😭

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can