Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”