Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
You Might Also Like
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
see next tweet for some translations
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths