Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I put the p in pants.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”